I was about to 'go there' again when something stopped me. I blame Brene. Brene Brown. You may be familiar with her work. She's freaking amaaazing. Waist deep in her book and leadership course at present, Self-Compassion came knocking. Self-care is the practice of Self-Compassion.
What Is Self-Compassion?
If Self-care is "'what people DO for themselves to establish and maintain health and to prevent and deal with illness." (WHO). Self-Compassion is the THINKING that sits behind it. Bring the two together and boom!
Dr Kristin Neff is regarded as the world's expert in Self-Compassion (more of her resources are below). She says "Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves when life goes awry or we notice something about ourselves we don't like, rather than being cold or harshly self-critical."
Kind before critical.
Self-compassion in its simplest form is that compassion you have for others, you have for yourself. No difference. Harder to do? Absolutely. I am in no doubt that most of us here are far more critical towards ourselves than we are of others.
Why Self-Compassion?
As women in midlife, we're in the busiest times of our lives. And we've spent much of it devoted to the needs of others. We are the Caregivers. But it turns out, that we can't be compassionate towards others, or care compassionately, if we are not compassionate towards ourselves first. The well we draw from every day, must not run dry if we are to give to others with compassion. Not begrudgingly, not half-heartedly but whole-heartedly.
Here's the really good news. When we think compassionately about ourselves we are embracing ourselves whole-heartedly – flaws and all. When we embrace our flaws we believe we are enough. This is perhaps the most important of all. Because if we believe we are enough, we are kinder to others, including ourselves. The very foundation of living a joyful life, no holding back.
What Does Being Self-Compassionate Look Like?
Appreciating that Self-Compassion is turning inwards to ourselves the Compassion we have for others, being Self-Compassionate means you are aware of the suffering, the pain that you are experiencing. You're moved by your heart's response to it. Instead of pushing it aside, you respond with kindness towards yourself.
Easier said than done, right? For many of us growing up, we were told to 'just get on with it!'. Stiff upper lip. Suck it up Sunshine (Princess). Pain is just weakness leaving the body (said my Husband's PT instructors in the army...but said no woman ever who has given birth drug-free!). Maybe you can add your own to the list. We've been raised to push aside the pain, to ignore it. So as a society, we've learned to numb it. Name your numbing agent...alcohol, drugs, busyness, binging Netflix, mindlessly scrolling social media...you get the idea.
But what if instead, we learned to open up to the pain, and the uncomfortableness and sit with it. Create space and hold it and begin to understand the emotions we are feeling.
As Kristin Neff says, this is part of being human. We all experience pain and failure. You are not alone in feeling this way.
Brave work? The hard work? The long view? Absolutely. But so worth it.
Where to from here?
Then join me over in our private Facebook Group - Women 40+, Self Love, Body Love & Swimsuit Confidence. I started that group as a safe place to explore such personal and sensitive topics. The stuff we might not want to talk about on the public S&S page.
See you in there :)
Anita xx
Founder & Owner : Sequins and Sand
