Emotion is so important that we understand them for greater connection with ourselves and others. In this blog post, we are talking about Shame. An emotion we all feel. It can show up in the most surprising ways.
Let's dive in.
Feel, Think and Do. When we're talking Emotions, that is what we cover. What we feel when we experience that emotion, how we 'process it' and how we behave because of it.
Shame. Let's talk about it, because shame will hate that.
What is Shame?
Shame is a self-centred emotion that essentially says 'I am bad'.
I am bad, not good enough, a failure...who do you think you are?
Shame sits behind Anger. Remember? We already tackled Anger in previous blog posts.
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.
It's the fear of disconnection. It's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm unlovable. I don't belong." Brene Brown.
I find that so powerful. Do you? Unlovable. I don't belong. Incredibly debilitating and destructive feelings. And we all feel shame.
Our Love Hate Relationship With Shame
Let's take that in and think about it in our day-to-day lives. What we see and experience. Look around you. On social media, on TV, the broader media, society's 'rules'. What to look like, what to weigh, what to wear, make this much money, what a home should have in it, what do drive to be successful is. When we don't meet those 'rules', those expectations, how do we feel?
Some of the most popular TV shows are reality TV shows where we seemingly take pleasure or are intrigued by watching someone feel shame. I am bad. Not that I did bad (that's guilt...more on that soon) I AM bad.
How strange we love to watch shame in action, but we don't like to talk about it.
Brene's research has also found that the #1 source of shame in women is body shame. My body isn't good enough. It doesn't meet society's 'rules' of what it's supposed to be - its size, weight, shape, colour. The 1000s of conversations I've had with women in the past 14 years certainly back this up.
What Shame Is and What It's Not
Just as some emotions mask others (like Anger masks Shame), Shame can show up in different ways. Some of them may surprise you. They did me. Again, you'll find insights revealed by the most notable researcher of shame, Brene Brown. She has studied it for over 20 years.
Shame Is:
: Perfectionism - is the fear of failure. It's not striving for excellence or to be our best, it's driven by 'what will people think?' and that our mistakes and failures are personal defects.
: Narcissism - the shame-based fear of being ordinary.
: Closely correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders and bullying.
Shame Is Not:
: Guilt - is that my behaviour is bad; we can distance 'self' from the action
: Humiliation - can be similar to shame in its intensity but the difference is that we feel undeserving of the flaws and failures that have been brought to our attention.
: Embarrassment - a fleeting feeling of self-conscious discomfort that can often be responded to in a non-threatening way like laughing.
What Shame Loves
"Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives."
Circling back to how we don't tend to talk about it as a society, on a personal level, when we stay silent or keep secrets about the shame we are feeling, Shame loves that and gets stronger. When not released, Shame can become debilitating.
The fear of judgement is perhaps the most prominent shame trigger I've heard in conversations with beautiful women in this community too. Judging stares from complete strangers when we're in our swimsuits, hold us back. They can make us silently slink into the pool, scurry from the deck chair and cover-up. Sometimes judgement stops us from 'going there' at all. The stories we tell ourselves. Our protective brains keep us safe.
We all feel it. How does Shame show up for you? Is it in your swimsuit - sensing the judgement of others? Not feeling good enough? Feeling like an imposter - 'Who do you think you are?'. Falling short of your own expectations or the expectations of others? Maybe it's something else.
Next Blog Posts
We will explore what the antidote to Shame is and how to move through Shame.
Where To From Here?
If you'd like to understand more about the emotion of Shame, then I invite you to join our private Facebook group Women 40+, Self Love, Body Love, Swimsuit Confidence we will continue the conversation with posts and prompts. If you're not a member, just ask to join when you click on the link here.
We explore other MINDSET topics in our paid membership community, The Summer Confidence Society. Monthly Masterclasses and more. Topics around STYLE, MINDSET and WELLNESS. Find out more about joining this beautiful community here. I'd love to see you there.
Keep the conversations going about Shame. We all feel shame. You are not alone. Share your shame story and take back your power. Don't give it to shame.
Anita xx
Founder & Owner : Sequins and Sand
