Emotion is so important that we understand them for greater connection with ourselves and others. This week we continue talking about Shame with a focus on how to overcome it.
Let's do this, together.
Emotion comes first. It's in the driver's seat. Then we Feel, Think and Do. What we feel when we experience that emotion, how we 'process it' and how we behave because of it.
It's important to keep this in mind when we explore Shame and how to overcome it. Stay with me. Let's not push this hard conversation aside because Shame will love that.
Shame Recap
Shame is a self-centred emotion that essentially says 'I am bad' (not I did bad, that's Guilt); as a person, I am bad.
Not good enough, a failure and when we tell ourselves 'Who do you think you are?'
And you know now, that Shame can sit behind Anger and on its own, front and centre.
Shame In Your Life
In our Part 1 about Shame, we spoke of how Brene Brown in her research, has found that the #1 source of shame in women, is Body Shame. My body isn't good enough. I'm sure most of you reading this would not be surprised by that finding. I know I certainly am not. That shame is felt by many of us (even Oprah - more on that later). Particularly as we see our body change - size, weight gain, belly getting bigger, wrinkles, sagging, veins becoming more visible, inability to do and move how we used to, hair falling out, hair growing in a new direction! The list is endless, right?
But shame (I am bad) goes beyond how we feel about our bodies. It will rise up when we are doing something new and are struggling to get it right. In our personal life, it may be learning a musical instrument, or trying a new recipe. To, speaking in public or when you're starting a new role at work and it's a promotion. All eyes are on you and their expectations of you are high.
The feeling of 'not good enough' and 'who do you think you are?' light up in neon. The fear of failure. Feeling like a failure. Feeling the shame.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Walking past a complete stranger wearing nothing but your cossie. That's a BIG shame trigger for many of us. To try and understand that feeling of shame and to protect ourselves from the hurt we're feeling, we will tell ourselves a story.
We THINK :
- 'She is judging me' as she stares at my dimply thighs and huge belly
- 'She thinks I'm fat and ugly' and
- 'Who does she think she is wearing that swimsuit? She should be ashamed of herself. She should be covering that up.'
So we ACT by covering up. By scurrying past and staying low. Next time we recall those feelings, that story plays out, it may stop us from going to the beach or the pool altogether. We take ourselves out of harm's way by not doing.
The Antidote To Shame
"If you put Shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of Shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive," Brene Brown.
Shame's kryptonite is Empathy.
"Empathy is the ability to understand another person's thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view, rather than your own." (Acuity Insights).
Empathy is 'I feel WITH you' not for you. For you is sympathy - 'Oh you poor thing'. When you are sympathetic you're actually maintaining an emotional distance.
But when we are empathetic, we move closer to that emotional space and we connect with that emotion. We don't take it on but we stand together, alongside and we give it all the space and time it needs to be heard and understood.
Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman have identified three components of empathy: Cognitive (understand), Emotional (feel physical) and Compassionate (support).
We've talked about Compassion (in the context of Self-Compassion) in a previous edition of Beyond the Shop. It's below for you in the Read, Watch and Listen area together with an article that explains in greater detail the 3 components of Empathy.
How To Overcome Shame
Emotion comes first. It's in the driver's seat. Then we Feel, Think and Do. And we also know that some emotions sit behind others. With that notion of 'what sits behind' let's talk about a way to help overcome Shame.
It's taken from Brene Brown's book Rising Strong and it's an approach that I think can serve us well when we feel like a failure, when Shame knocks hard on the door.
There are 3 parts to this approach:
1. The Reckoning - perhaps the hardest of all to do because we're so used to pushing our emotions aside with distraction, covering them up with untruths or ignoring them and pushing them down. The Reckoning is essentially about awareness and allowing yourself to Feel. Acknowledging there is a feeling of shame and then getting curious about it. Asking 'What sits behind this?'.
2. The Rumbling - the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of what we are feeling - like the story told above. The Thinking piece. Instead of playing it over in your mind, write it down and get it out. That way you can come back and revisit it and see it for what it is. There is also another great example of how we make up stories to deal with the hurt, the shame, in an interview in the Watch section below. Again, with Oprah and Brene on Super Soul Sunday.
3. The Revolution - going beyond your stories and channelling them into something positive. Taking positive Action. Empower yourself and rewrite the stories. What would you do differently next time? Eg: would you set a boundary and say 'No, I'm not going to allow that' or 'If that's not for you, that's okay. It will be for someone else' and walk away.
Woah! How are you feeling? Take a breath. Sit with it. Give it a little time. Keep sharing your Shame story. Working through your shame. Remember you are not alone. We all feel it. We need to keep the conversation going to take back our power. Don't let shame take yours away. Please.
Anita xx
Founder & Owner : Sequins and Sand
Where To From Here?
If you'd like to understand more about the emotion of Shame, then I invite you to join our private Facebook group Women 40+, Self Love, Body Love, Swimsuit Confidence we will continue the conversation with posts and prompts. If you're not a member, just ask to join when you click on the link here.
We explore other MINDSET topics in our paid membership community, The Summer Confidence Society. Monthly Masterclasses and more. Topics around STYLE, MINDSET and WELLNESS. Find out more about joining this beautiful community here. I'd love to see you there.
